the smack factor

My health insurance was cancelled. I freaked out, cursing the institution where I used to work for fucking me out the door constantly. Turns out, which is usually the case when I feverishly blame someone else, it was my fault. Well, can I say sort of? I moved, misplaced the invoice, and completely forgot about it. Now, what is really heartless and shitty is that no one calls you to say “your payment is late, you’re about to lose coverage, would you like to pay over the phone so you don’t lose it, get pregnant and kill yourself.” I think it’s safe to say, even if you haven’t seen Sicko, that insurance is just as big business as big business and there is no heart in it. So of course I didn’t get a phone call and it lapsed. Luckily you’re allowed to ask for it to be reinstated ONCE. Well thanks. I never got the call confirming my reinstatement, so I called today. Why? Because i only have one more month of insurance (unless I get a damn job, freakin a) and I want to make a bunch of appointments so I’m realy well oiled in case the worst case scenario happens. Yeah, and you think YOU’RE stressed out.

So I call. I get this woman who said “basically” about 980 times. Everytime she started and ended a sentence with “basically” I wanted to melt my fist, send it throught the phone, rip her esophagus out, and tie it into a bow around her bleeding neck. Is is basically? Or is this what’s really happening. Anyway. They tell me “oh yes, we tried to contact you, your insurance has been reinstated.

AND YOU CAN EXPECT YOUR NEW CARD WITHIN 38 Days”

I lost my mind. I said “well, if you have my record pulled up in front of you as you say you do, you’ll see that my coverage ends at the end of October, making the card obsolete when it arrives in 38 days. Please tell me how that makes any sense to you.”

“You basically can have a temporaty card printing off from their web site”. she says, followed by silence. Not followed by helpful information on what I’ll need to have on me to print this out easily and without pain. Nope, just silence. Why, in more experiences than just this, can’t people just give the full story. They have the information, they have the rest of the story, so why do I have to ask for it? Just tell me. It’s like that dollar on a string. They keep tugging it, and every time you ask a question you get closer to the dollar, but then they yank it just out of reach so you can ask another question.

“GREAT, so WHAT DO I NEED IN ORDER TO PRINT THIS OUT!?” - me, almost whispering, I’m so angry

“you’ll need the provider phone number as well as the website address”

…

…

“SO WHAT ARE THOSE!!!!!” - me, I might have been screaming, but I can almost guarantee I was blacked out. She finally gave me what I think is the complete story, basically. And then she said “is there anything else I can help you with?”

I wanted to tell her “no, but let me help you…” and then kindly and basically let her know that saying “basically” doesn’t make you sound more “american”, it makes you sound like that douche in Algebra 2 who would start every solution with “basically, I took the x and…” or that other douche at that large corporation who includes “basically” in every presentation about how awesome they are. And excited. Excited and Awesome. I wanted to basically tell her that “helping” means being genuinely helpful. Giving the full story and maybe even offering to expedite a freaking HEALTH INSURANCE CARD so that the ALMOST UNINSURED PERSON gets their card BEFORE insurance RUNS OUT.

I need to go for a walk. My fingers are on fire and I am gripped with unchartable anger.