I want it to rain. It rained this morning around 2, when I was up for the 5th time. I went to bed at 8:00P because nothing was on tV, I hated my hair and didn’t want Factor to come home and see it, and I just felt blah. Plus, as is usual, my body’s response to stress = itchiness out of control, so I figured if i went to bed it would just go away. I woke up when I thought I heard Factor come home from dodgeball, but then fell immediately back to sleep - and then woke up again when he got into bed at say… 10:49PM? Any poor sleepers know that once you’ve been awakened from even just 2 hours of sleep, your brain thinks it’s time to get up for good. Mine was being a total bitch and wouldn’t let me fall back to sleep.
“let me see your hair” - Factor, scrizzling my now hair sparse lower skull
“nooooo” - groaning. So upset, hating life, hating Igor even though he was so sweet.
“I’m going to turn the light on” - Factor, being sweeter than Igor. I know he just wanted to tell me it looked cute, but I felt like throwing up at the thought of showing my head.
“NO!” - yelping like the elephant man. Factor lets out a big sigh and within seconds is snoring. I fell asleep. Woke up at 1:10AM. Laid back down, woke up around 3, then 4 something, and then 8:30 as Factor left for work. And then again at 11:00, which is where you see me now. I feel so down. i dont’ want to take my hair for a walk, I don’t want anyone to tell me it’s cute because I won’t believe them. I don’t want to look for a job, but I need one. Badly. I don’t want to think about the job anymore, either. Sounds like I like to avoid things rather than tackle them, huh? I guess in my personal life, this is true. when I’m working, I tackle shit like crazy. You know, back then, working.
If it rained right now, I would feel so good. I would probably get up off the couch and clean this place and smile at the smoothe droning of the rain. I would be able to hear it on the leaves of the tree outside my window, instead of the metallic drilling and sawing and whistling of that ONE GUY, and it would bring the world in a rhythm with my mood. I think I’ thrumming at a much lower groaning pace and part of what’s making me antsy and raw is that everything around me, the city itself, is always going to be dissonant.
