the smack factor

As part of my Christmas present (which was dinner and a movie), Factor and I saw I am Legend at the Regal Cinemas Union Square. Two things immediately happened:

• I became squirrely around so many people - especially the idiot cramming his fat sweatered belly on me in line - to the point where I kept suggesting aggressively to FActor that we just go home
• I remembered why I don’t really enjoy going to the movies anymore.

I don’t think I will ever understand other peoples’ behaviors in movie theaters. When I go, I’m going because the screen and sound and popcorn are so much more high quality than in my own home. It’s the experience. Granted, it’s now about 25 bucks for two people to see a movie, however, if its something you’re dying to see, it’s worth it. We weren’t DYING to see I am Legend, but the desire was there and we hadn’t been to the movies in a cow’s year. Anyway. I’d like to draft a “laws of movie going” document aimed at the following behaviors so that you and I might actually enjoy a night at the movies for that bloody price: (the structure of this list so is not going to coincide with the previous statement)

• Just because it’s Will Smith and he’s talking doesn’t mean you have to laugh. It’s a dark film. It’s apocolyptic. It’s somber, it’s meant to be sort of thought provoking. There was nothing remotely funny about that movie. And at any point, if you were cracking a sideways smile, it was uncomfortable because the chuckle his character was gettign, or what the heathens in the audience found funny were born from loneliness and being without human contact for 3 years. There was a point in the movie where Will Smith’s character is about to be baited and people were belly laughing. I wanted to stand up and yell “THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE FUNNY!!!! THIS IS PROBABLY THE SADDEST PART OF THE FRICKING MOVIE YOU DUST FARTS!!” Gag.
• Do not bring your 10 year old to see a movie where infected, hairless, albinos only come out when it’s dark and they also have albino hairless dogs that [spoiler alert] attack and maim a dog that looks just like fluffy at home. I was about to homocidally whisper “PLEASE be QUIET” to the lady in front of me until I realized she was talking because she probably had to bring the 8 year old she was with off a ledge every 5 minutes. I had MY face covered more than 5 times through out the movie. If Factor is still afraid of ET as an almot 30 year old, i can’t imagine what this movie is going to do to that poor kid
• You don’t have to hear your popcorn. It’s wild. Just place it in your mouth, close your lips and chew. It still tastes delicious right? That’s right! You are not forgoing any popcorn pleasure by chewing with your mouth closed. The two women with scratchy deep voices and some sort of european accents behind me not only talked through out the movie and kicked the back of my chair (in my head I reached back and broke their ankles), but one of them actually started chewing LOUDER when the previews came on. This is where I reached meltdown status and had to plug one ear to avoid running from the theater and also wasting factor’s money and good time.
• Yay! You can read! There are a few frames in the movie that set the scene for us. And they’re powerful. as a new yorker, it’s always disturbing to see what life would be like without life in the city. Locations were panned over like…Soho, Washington Square Park, and Union Square. And in case i didnt’ realize it with my own damn eyes, the stupid ass behind me sigh-read every single sign. out loud. not silently. When she said “Prince St” as the sign flashed on the screen, I said LOUDLY whispering to factor “Is the lady behind me going to read every fucking sign!@?” to which he said “just watch the movie”
• the actors are not engaging you in conversation. So shut the !@#(&$@(#%#$(% UP!! And I don’ tknow what it more annoying, the sudden silence uncovering the person who THINKS they’re whispering … or the “SHHHH!” and mortified giggling that follows. and of course, then everyone in that party has to discuss what just happened.

So my idea is this. Let’s draft up the laws of movie going with some punishments. They have to be harsh, like digit loss, or massive bitch slapping and threat of bodily harm or public nudity. I don’t understand why people can’t just be considerate. So, people who suck, get ready. Because if some small chick with a sort of big can pops over her stadium style seating and punches you in the esophagus, the legislation has passed and I’m just exercising my right to enjoy an overpriced movie.