the smack factor

I am tense.  Super tense.  I could host my own suspension bridge.  I had anxiety dreams all night last night.  and my brain wouldn’t stop moving over the past year and a half of my life.  Everything happened so fast.   And I couldn’t stop thinking about even 6 years ago when everything was so so different.  I even dug as deep as my first years in college where I was in such a deep fog of insecurity and apathy - I wasn’t there.  Oh, sorry Bob Dylan.  Anyway, today I woke to the worst sounds of construction yet.  I’m convinced those hard working asshats use the loudest instruments first thing in the morning, just be jerks.  I woke up from a dead sleep (because it took me til 3am to get there)(even WITH tylenol PM, ARG!!) and looked angrily at Factor and yelled “REALLY!!!??  IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?!?!?!”

He felt bad for me, I could tell.   Now, on top of the hammering and sawing of metal on metal, I can tell there is a new sound.  one that can only be created by a rusty pulley system.  It sounds like tiny screaming elves being dragged over shards of broken glass covered in lemon juice.   It’s scraping across my brain like a frightened hedgehog.  I don’t need this.  I’m sleepless, frustrated, and in a weird spot.  Company #1 hasn’t contacted me since Friday, where we left it as both of us being VERY interested in each other, they just needed to follow up with references and get back to me Mon/Tue/Wed timeframe.  But see, I know there is always a game involved.  So I’m sitting here tryin to figure out (after really stalking them last week) if they were testing me and that I failed by not checking in on Monday.  But like, she said she would call me. I mean, where do you take things at face value and then where is the game?  I can’t help it, i have to contact them mid afternoon to just reassert my interest.    Company #2 has already been contacting my references and are also VERY interested.  I have confirmation that they’ve talked and that things are really positive, and this feels really good.   I just want to know my options.  I totally dig both and I want to see what each has to offer.  That’s respectable right?

I want to be able to compare the two and go with my gut, but what if one offers and the other one isn’t ready to offer yet?  I can’t shoot myself in the foot, but I don’t want to go with one just because I need a job fast and they were first, know what I mean?  And I KNOW there is no way a company is going to say “sure, take a few days and compare us to another company, that’s cool, it’s not like we need the help”.  I just want to know.

I mean really - I’m so stressed, I almost threw my oatmeal up into my mouth as I ate it.  And it’s super healthy oatmeal so it’s blander than fog.  Oatmeal!