So I used to be under an extraordinary amount of pressure. It was pressure from work but also pressure I put on myself to be the best, be the most clever, get recognized for hard work. There was never a pay off to either forms of pressure because you were never given praise, always told you could do a lot better and that there was so much wrong with your work, and management always made you aware that no matter what, they were probably the most clever. Oh yeah, and no recognition. I always felt that if you were getting beaten down so much, you should at least be recognized for something good – and that never happened. So anyway, i don’t need recognition (I give myself enough of that now 
)
But maybe what I need is pressure. I can’t figure out what’s going on right now. I can’t figure out if I’m not getting work that is challenging enough (I really don’t think that’s it – I’m having a great freakin’ time), or if I don’t have enough structure and deadlines and presentations and documents and… you get the point. There were all these other things I had to do just to get started on something… that now when I’m told ot go ahead and just start something I freak my face off because I don’t have to document every burp and fart along the way (thank GOD). I think there was a traumatic relationship drawn between amount of pressure and amount of faith the management had in you. Tell me if you’ve heard this before: “well, we’re hard on you because we expect so much of you.” Or, “she’s hard on you because she knows you’re capable of so much more.”
Is this a fair relationship? Is amount of pressure directly related to management’s expectations of you? If that’s true, does this mean my big bosses expect very little of me? It all sounds crazy when you say it out loud — but putting it down on paper…ermm… laptop… help me wiggle through it. I shouldn’t be dishonest with myself though… I assume at some point along the line (it’s still early in my new work relationship) it will be really clear that either
- I’m not getting enough challenging I don’t like it
- I’m getting a legal amount of work that I love, that won’t kill me, and I’m just not used to operating at a non heart attack level
- my bosses don’t expect a lot of me, but they think I’m adorable, so they’ll keep me on
- I’ll need more than 4 months to get work healthy (have a healthy view of work and pressure)
- other things that haven’t revealed themselves to me yet or a combo of the crap above
I told you it’s confusing. This is when therapy would be so great.
Oh wait, and medical benefits.
Hmm, sounds like you’ve developed a case of deadline dependence. I have it pretty bad: I may have a full week to write a script but I won’t be able to make any progress until the last six hours before it’s due. You’ve been conditioned to work when the pressure is on.
I vote for:
# I’m getting a legal amount of work that I love, that won’t kill me, and I’m just not used to operating at a non heart attack level
and
# I’ll need more than 4 months to get work healthy (have a healthy view of work and pressure)
Its easyer to find jobs when you dont feel pressure. I would interview for other jobs on your lunch breaks. If this company wants you after 4 months turn the others down.
(Yes I still lurk from time to time…)
Here’s the deal.
Your last gig, that employer… it’s like this.
Equate it to an abusive or maybe just bad relationship.
It’s one of those deals where you were told for so long that you weren’t really that good, and that nobody else would ever treat you better, and you were lucky to get what you got, etc. Sure, every now and then it was cool, so you hung on thinking they’d treat you well everyday, someday SOON!!! And then one day it was over.
And then you find out that (eventually) life is better on the outside and you were being misled all that time.
Except you’re still damaged, and trying to figure out if you really are any good. And then you have to let yourself trust that you are pretty darn good afterall and it’s ok to think of yourself that way.
Meanwhile, you were pretty damn good all along. I saw your work, read it regularly, and you rocked.
And deep down, you know that most of the people at the old place were a heck of a lot better than they were treated also. The mediocre ones, or ones that just plained sucked, didn’t last in the pressure cooker.
You were in the wrong place in the wrong time – and now things are looking up.
So go take over the friggin world already! You’re due!
Tricia and all: I should call out that I am very very happy and I am not searching for a new job yet — dear lord how would I explain a 6 month gap between jobs followed by a 4 month stint at a new one… PLUS, I love it here. The real question that I’m asking myself and probably aware that the answer is different for all people is the whole… pressure and need or no meed for it. It’s all weird.
MO’B: you are so right on with the damaged part
It’s like I’ve entered a new relationship and I have to just treat it like a clean slate and not bring my baggage. But I still can’t help but wonder if I actually…
(throw up now)
…liked having major pressure. There is a rewarding feeling when you get shit done under intense pressure… but is that healthy!? probalby not.
The questioning shall continue. OR. I should just go with the flow already. For the love of god!
when you have nothing to worry about start making things up to worry about. It always works for me.