the smack factor

From dictionary.com: “a person who abstains totally from intoxicating drink”

I always thought that was a shitty word with rude connotions. Like, a teetotaler is looking with a judging eye at everyone else who is have an alcoholic beverage. I used to think something was wrong with people if they couldn’t just freakin’ have a drink. Well, I did a little experiment last week, depriving myself of any alcohol AND coffee. See, I started to feel like I didn’t know how to operate normally without either of them. It’s scary to say out loud, believe me, hailing from a family of varying shades of addiction/emotional issues. Granny drinks a case starting at 10:00AM and well into the night, Grandpa smoked unfiltered cigs and drank whiskey til he died of cancer, some relatives (close ones) with depression and alcoholism and possibly bi polar disorder, oh yes, a whole slew of stuff. I think a stupid person wouldn’t step back and evaluate themselves given historical evidence.

I mean, what the hell, why does every happy, sad, and neutral moment in my life (and probably a lot of yours) involve alcohol? And now, even my job almost dictates that I have to be the life, if not a slice of the life, of the party. Celebrations require toasts, commiserations require lager, just plain dining includes a bottle of wine. Cooking starts with a glass. It’s so fun to be honest about it. I couldn’t name one situation where I didn’t complete my outfit with a glass of something. And then I started thinking about the last time I had gone more than one day without drinking. And really, if you drink every night, that one day doesn’t count based on waking time and amount absorbed the night before. That day is more of a bridge in between two fermentations. The results of my experiment are both frightening, exhilarating, and, well… a bit of a wake up call in self policing, growing up, and understanding what my body at this age can and can not handle.

A couple of observations for now, more to follow in separate posts so you don’t get bored:

• It’s amazing what doesn’t get done as a result of the night before.
• I’ve never felt older and more comfortable with being over certain scenes. It’s a relief to know that while sober I can see that certain stages in my life are so over, and that’s so good
• Knowing that I can hold a conversation without a social lubricant is empowering. Think about being in a wheelchair your whole life only because you believed that’s the only way you could get around. One day you get up and realize you actually can walk without it. Imagine that feeling. I’m saying.
• Withdrawal from caffeine mixed with chemically adjusting to alcohol deficiency is disgusting. Think about PMS. Multiple it by 90. I was edgy, depressed, uncomfortable, wrapped in a dull thudding headache, pissed off, hating life, CRYING at the military shout outs on Morning Express with Robin Meade, weepy when Charlie was thought dead on LOST, CRYING about a work situation, YELLING about cleaning the apartment, ANGER emailing about evite disagreements. The edginess was ridiculous. I have a whole new respect for people who go through severe detox from life stealing drugs. I will never do Heroin only because now I know it’s not in my best interest to quit. what a mess.
• People treat you differently when you don’t have a drink in your hand. It’s up to you to care or not. It’s also up to you to either laugh off or get angry at the “Wait, who are you??” reaction of friends when you either opt not to go out, or reveal that you’ll just have a water. A lot of your/my happiness and comfort needs to be internal. And guess what, once you’re there, the way others view your/my behavior is so minuscule. It’s on them after that. I’d prefer to shock people with water than shock them with my over exposed boobs.

Those are some of the negatives… or as some people call them, lessons. It’s possible to always learn more about yourself. I learned a ton about myself and my behavior in just one week. And if you stick around, you might hear more about it.